feeling a bit overwhelmed

Hi I'm Destiny and I feel like I'm in over my head. First off today was my official day as an RN on the floor.... let me tell you the thought has crossed my mind many times today "what the hell did I get myself into?!?" I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I think i even made the comment "I wish I could fastforward a year from now" but I really dont, time goes to fast anyhow. But today was constant, orders, meds, dr calls, assessments, discharges.... but really what did I expect? To sit behind a desk and answer calls? No, I definately signed up for this chaotic, busy, wonderfully rewarding job. I know a year from now I will be laughing because I know I'm going to love it.... but right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. And another thing... I spend 5 minutes trying to decipher a doctors orders and signature.... for real thats a bit ridic. But honestly walking into the hospital with my scrubs, stethoscope, and RN badge I felt pretty proud of myself. I hope I become the nurse I want to and leave an impression on anyone I come in contact with.
~~~ Another few things adding to this chaotic year? I'm 'attempting' to finish my BSN. So I get 2 nights off a week and one of those nights I will spend 6 hours in a classroom to get credits towards my bachelors degree in which I have no idea what I will do with.... But hi I'm Destiny and I don't know when and where to stop? I love learning and I feel that I'm not done learning... I just hope all this education puts me exactly where I am suppose to be.
~~~~chaos # 3.... I'm getting married in october one of my best friends is getting married 2 weeks after me... that means twice the bridal showers, twice the bachelorette parties, and twice the worry..... enough said
~~~~# 4 We went and looked at the first of I'm sure MANY houses today. So we came home looked more up, figured up our finances, what we can afford, yet still looking at what we can't afford.... terrific. The house we looked at today was absolutely adorable.... and smelt absolutely awful! This couple had dogs.... dogs peed on hardwood floor, water soaked through hardwood floor, soaked onto padding under flooring... you guessed it.... smelt like wet dog. But with a little TLC it would be super wonderful and yummy smelling.... BUT I'm worried I won't have the TLC to give for the next couple years and we would get wet smelling dog smell soaked in our pores.  Heres a small glimpse of my mind tonight. I'm going to gorge on brownies now before heading to bed because I have to be up at 5 to play RN again.
Hi my names destiny.... I need meds

curly fries and heart attack

Happy 4th of July!!! My glorious day started off  with watching my beautiful niece in the all american boy girl contest. She didn't win because she doesnt like to talk much to the judges (she gets that from aunt d) no worries, mace,y in a short decade you'll talk too, much people will wish you'ld shutit :) one of my fabulous traits! But after the contest I went home to curl up on the couch with Devin for a fantastic monday nap.... ahhh these are the days we will miss when we one day have children!!! (thats a different blog)
I'm at work now until 7 then off to the park for Flora's fireworks.... its not as spectacular as I make it sound but hey its my hometown fireworks. Last night we went to rend lake for their fireworks with my momma and sister, then found out they were cancelled. So we drove another hour in opposite direction for another firework display. It was well worth the 3.62$ gallon gas we 'wasted'. I loved watching the fireworks with devin and my mom... it reminds me of watching them when I was little.
~~~ We use to grill hot dogs and wrap them up and take them to the park with us (because my parents couldn't afford to buy 2 hot dogs each for 4 kids) completely understandable. We would pick the perfect spot {no trees above up and flat ground} and we would eat hot dogs and light sparklers until dusk.... [perfect memories] Those are the memories that I will never forget. We would finaly get so full from hot dogs and freshly cut watermelon and lay on the blankets until the fireworks started <3 ~~~~
My plan for 4th of july 2011 is a little different, I will be spending some QT time with the bff stevi, we gotta chow down on some 'cowboy fries' these are homemade curly fires covered in cheese, italian beef, and jalepeno peppers mmm I'l let ya know how they are. I'm 100% sure they'll be fabulous!  Then we will find my brother, abra, and his little girl macey and enjoy the fireworks laying on our blankets. At least some things never change.
Happy 4th of July!! Enjoy your family and friends because no 4th will ever be the same.

here comes the storm.

Right now as I 'type' I'm sitting at home by myself staring out the window at the storm rolling in [possibly] ruining fireworks tonight...but thats beside the point. Umm I don't know about anyone else but some couple fight... like a lot... like more than I could put energy into. Devin and I do no fight. really never have. hopefully never actually will. Seriously I've wondered "is this normal" like I've always seen everyone fight. my couple friends. my parents. couples on TV. Is it normal that when we don't agree we just agree to disagree and we're over it? Like for instance.... our 'big blowup' for the day was this....and the story goes......
~~~~ Last night we went and met some friends for pizza at a place we've never eaten before.... OMG the pizza was amazing {joes pizza} and all I talked about last night was how good the pizza was and YES we have half leftover to eat 'tomorrow' for lunch. And anyone who knows me k nows I L.O.V.E. pizza <3 So unsurprisingly it was on my mind all morning... laying in the pool thinkin man when I get out I'm gonna have some of that pizza for lunch.... I seriously like couldn't wait.... (does that mean I have a problem) lol
~~~~So I come home change and mentally prepare myself for this amazing chicago pizza, so I run in the living room and ask dev if he wants me to warm up a couple pieces for him {super sweet of me huh?} The look he shot me made me instantly know..... GRRRR  
Devin: "hah sweet of ya but I finished the pizza already"
Me: "you what??!?!?" mean face "dude you couldn't have asked me if I wanted any at all YOU just finish all the pizza YOURSELF?!?" I didn't tell him I had been thinking of that damn pizza all day!
So I go in the kitchen decide I'll made a lean pocket (pizza flavored)
~~~{none left}  BUT allll of devins hot pockets are left (side note: I buy devin hot pockets and myself lean pockets... lower cals lower carbs you know the game... BUT for some reason he prefers to grab my lean pockets instead of his carb loaded hot pockets) so totally makes sense right.... that all my lean pockets are gone.
~~ I was fuming. Basically Devin left because he didn't see why I was so angry about the situation. I sit and cry because its stupid... seriously I was going to eat this chicago pizza full of fat and carbs but when that was gone I wanted a lean pocket? duh! (do you see the sense in that) ya me either....
~~~~ All in all if thats the worst fight we have I'll take it~~~~
 So right now I'm eating HIS BBQ chicken hot pocket watching the storm waiting for Devin to come home.... lesson learned: next time we have leftover pizza.... I'm hiding my share.

the evidence:empty box

PS. Dev just text me and said he was sorry for eating all the pizza and my lean pockets and not refurnishing the supply... I love him.

And that my friends was the worst fight of the century.... lol

so imperfect, yet so beautiful

I'm just going to assume everybody reading this isn't a damn size2.... I don't know about anyone else but going from high school short shorts and low cut jeans to age 22 jeans and wanting to pull them up a little higher (ya know so that you can hide a little more buldge that way RIGHT?!)  I went from playing in a full spandex uniform in high school to swearing I would never even lay my hands on anything spandex... seriously you can't hide anything in spandex.... every roll, every dimple, every scar shows... who invented spandex? he had probably already been killed.
It makes me sick watching TV... because don't lie, you like me compare yourself to EVERYONE....
~hmmm I wonder if my legs look that awful in shorts?
~ damn do my boobs show that much cleavage in a low cut shirt?
~ ugh do I look like that in my skinny jeans?
yes yes yes. man I swore I would never wear skinny jeans... now their my favorite! like I tell people I have the perfect hourglass shape.... except I have a little more sand in the bottom of my hourglass :)
Everyone is self concious, I use to never ever mention it. But after talking to friends, coworkers, family.... I'm not the only one. Wouldn't it be nice to just put something on and just feel like you look sexy? Ya maybe if I got dressed drunk.
I honestly believe our society has given the female body a bad image. I love seeing a woman whos a size 12 and is absolutely beautiful. I believe a woman should have soft curves.... not flat ripped abs... not defined arms....not huge defined legs.  And since society has given way to how a woman's body should look like, it seems almost unrealistic to be "beautiful".  I just pray that if I ever end up with a teenage girl I can make sure she knows shes beautiful, and that it is very important to eat healthy and to be active and exercise but that always doesn't show on the outside. I know when I wake up in my morning I'm going to have thighs that touch, a stomach that doesn't feel like a brick, and a chin that might look like a double chin when I laugh really hard with my girlfriends.
Drives me crazy when I'm at the gym working my ass off and I look over at a skinny little girl who might make it to the gym once a week to do her 'god awful' workout of walking 5 minutes and doing crunches! for real?!?! sometimes i want to go over and crank their treadmill up to about 15... there now your working your ass off how does it feel? oh no did you sweat!!! you poor thing! you might actually have to shower after leaving the gym.... haha
Shopping and I have a love/hate relationship. I love finding clothes that fit and look too darn cute to pass up. But I HATE when I grab the size I ussually wear, take it into the dressing room, then can't get it over my shoulder, boobs, hips, etc.... WHAT?! shouldn't sizes be universal to prevent mini breakdowns in dressing rooms worldwide?!? that incidence right there ussually ruins a shopping trip... thats why now I've started grabbing bigger sizes...yeah thats right I grab at least 2 sizes bigger than what I think I am then I feel good when I put it on and its huge YAY (pretty pathetic huh?) lol but it really sucks when that size too big acctually turns out being the perfect size...perfect......
But at the end of the day.... Devin will love me no matter what. I could gain 20 lbs, loose 20 lbs, and he will still find me incredibly beautiful just like he always has. And they say guys are dumb?! :)

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Who would be at my funeral? How would I be remembered? I have thought about this a lot the past few days. We lost a great man here in clay county.... he was someone who didn't judge, didn't criticize, didn't look at your last name to see if he could be friends with you. He was genuinely a nice guy. He was there for us all spiritually and friendly on many occassions. At his visitation people were waiting hours in line just to pay respect.  Isn't that something we all strive for? We all want good friends, we want people to think highly of us, we want people to miss us when we are gone. Basically we want someone to cry at our funeral?  Of course you aren't being a good person in hindsight of "hey I bet they'll be sad when I die" but really put it into perspective. What impression will you leave on people you have met throughout your life? Will they think wow she was such a great person, always willing to help anyone, someone who always had a smile which put a smile on someone else's face and heart? I strive for that everyday... unconciously I suppose. I don't want people thinking awful things I may or may not have done when my name crosses their minds. I want people to remember my smile, my thoughfulness, my humor, my intelligence. Don't you? I love the feeling of walking down the street and simply smiling at someone.... it does wonders for both people.  People won't remember what you did, why you did it.... they will remember how you made them feel.  I'm not saying I have never done anything in which someone has questions my intentions I have, so have you. Being a good person also means discovering yourself and your role in the world.... everyone has a role in the world. I loved while going through clinical rotations at least once a day I was told how amazing my smile and humor was and that it makes a world of difference..... thanks thats what I was going for.  Maybe I wasn't put here to be the perfect daughter, wife, sister, friend.... but whatever it is I'm sure I'll figure it out, maybe I won't. But I know one thing, I know that at my funeral people will remember me for something.... hopefully its good :) 
                         
ps my title is from my favorite song... pretty smart guys <3

Destiny Blake, Rn

Wow, I haven't blogged  in a long time!! I promise this will be at least a weekly occurance in my life from here on out!!! Thats right I am now an RN!! (the reason for the small break) Let me take you back a few weeks ago! Graduation had come and go, I had a job waiting for me, I was a nervous wreck. I still hadn't recieved my ATT (authorization to test) what the heck is going on I thought?! Finally after waiting a month I got ahold of someone who spoke english and come to find out... terrific I was missing fingerprints. Long story short I sent all my missing paperwork off and received my att by the end of the week. I scheduled my boards on fathers day in evansville, I can't even explain how nervous I was. Weird because I actually have so much confidence in my nursing education. I couldn't focus on anything else for the 2 weeks before boards....I mean this is my life, pass or fail, I will have to change my life for the next few months. I could have lost my job if I failed. So everyday for about 6 hours a day I sat. and I studied. ridiculously studied. I have never wanted anything so bad in my life. That morning I woke up and I can't even pinpoint one thought that was going through my head because I had a million!!! a feeling I have never in my life felt. I guess I have just never wanted anything SO bad in my life!! is this how I will feel my wedding day?! if so I need a xanax!! Anyway A.D.D..... but as I was taking the test I KNEW my computer just had to shut off at the minimum amount of questions (thats a good thing in nursing world.... less questions you take means the better your doing) and it did! But still had to wait 48 hours for my results.... I really had not been so sure about anything in my life but I knew I passed that test, I worked so hard, theres noway I CANT pass!! cocky much? lol no but really I worked too hard the past few years not to pass. And I did.... I can now put RN behind my name... was it worth it? stay tuned I start full time next week on surgical care.........ready or not I'm a grownup

Aunt Deb

A few days ago I found out that my beautiful aunt Deb was found dead at home.... I am a little devastated. I'm mostly upset because I wish I would have known the last time I spoke with her would have been a couple months ago,  I would have told her how much I love her and how much I look up to her. I just rememeber her coming to visit every year when I was younger, and every time she left I cried. Then I hadn't seen her for quite a while and she surprised me at my high school graduation, it was perfect. She met Devin and said that if we got married she would for sure be there, well Oct 1 is not far off but my aunt will not be there. I wasn't able to go and just see her one last time or talk to her one last time, last night I just cried and acted 6 again, I slept with my teddy bear from her all night.... and cried all night. It doesn't seem like it really happened. Rest in Peace Aunt Deb, you were always so sweet to me, even thought I couldn't see or talk to you everyday, I knew you cared and loved me, and I still have all the letters we have written back and forth throughout the years. I pray right now you are at peace and in no pain. Until we meet again, I love you. XOXO